To The Ladies I Pray For

Tanteku bercerita tentang nenekku yang selalu menyimpan sehelai popok lansia cadangan di bawah bantal sebelum tidur. Dari situ aku tahu dari mana kebiasaanku menyimpan barang-barang di tempat yang tidak terduga kuperoleh. Nenekku sangat keras kepala dan tidak mau dibantu dalam melakukan hal-hal yang baginya sepele. Setiap malam tante dan nenekku tidur di ranjang yang sama--nenekku di sisi yang dekat dengan pintu kamar mandi, tanteku di sisi yang dekat dengan meja kecil yang di atasnya menyala radio kecil yang memutar lantunan kitab suci dan terjemahannya. Setiap pagi, nenekku pindah ke kamar pribadinya membawa selimut yang dilipatnya sendiri. Tanteku bercerita bagaimana mereka tertawa di suatu pagi karena mendapati tiga helai popok di bawah bantal nenekku. Rupanya tanteku juga suka menyelipkannya di bawah bantal nenekku tanpa memberitahu. Mereka tertawa geli--tanteku yang baru berulang tahun ke-69 Januari lalu dan nenekku yang tahun ini harusnya berumur 94, jika ia masih ada. Mereka berdua sama-sama bershio ular, dan aku diam-diam suka merasa senang karena punya shio yang sama dengan mereka. 

Kadang mataku basah jika mengingat jasa mereka berdua dalam membesarkanku. 

Tonight the Streets are Ours

I love and have loved many objects in life. For many years, I think since I was very little when my mom took me on many road trips, I have been fond of streets and roads, yet as I grow older I can say that walking is one of my long-lasting passions. Since I began to work professionally about ten years ago, I am lucky enough to have so many chances to travel to many places in the country and overseas. I never really dive deep into the reasons why I'm drawn to the act of walking or moving in general. As I'm writing this, I realized that this is a subject that I discussed quite often with Riri Riza and he once mentioned about moving as the consequence of realism in cinema (or something like that). The film's characters can only be developed realistically by fitting them into their surroundings and how the characters can expand/grow only when their surroundings are constantly expanding too. For me, though, the act of moving by feet is spiritual. Whenever I see things and people on the streets I feel more connected to the world and to myself simultaneously. I can never remember the details of the streets I've walked or passed on, but I can remember the exact feelings. It's funny to think that whenever I walk in silence or whenever I think about the memories of walking afterwards I always have the similar impressions or feelings, which are the feelings that I'm old but  everything is possible in life.

In this lifetime I think I envy Paul Salopek the most. He's a journalist for National Geographic and a Pulitzer winner who is currently on a mission that called "Out of Eden Walk". I've never wanted anything from this life but the opportunity to walk around this earth. In fact, I think to walk around the earth is the sole purpose we're created as bipedal creatures. Paul also proves that walking or traveling is not a young man's obsession to just see the world and to have as many experience as he can. Instead, it's an honorable and deliberate choice somebody makes to have the courage to leave a comfortable and predictable life behind. It's argued that one must have been privileged enough to have a deliberated choice to "leave", because in many cases around the world some people don't actually have other choices but migrating out of their homes and seek for asylum in unwelcoming places. Which made me realize that walking, just like other things in life, is perhaps only enjoyable if you have the freedom to do it.

A conversation between Mr. R and I on a Blue Bird Taxi on a night ride

.. Like this house, miss, this house is haunted because it has too many sculptures. And that house, miss, I've been there. It's been vacant for too long, miss.

At night I saw so many things on the road. Like last week, miss, I helped a friend of mine selling his house. 

Why do you think people are given such ability, sir?

To help people achieve things, miss.

Do people often come to you to help them achieve things?

Oh yes, many times. I helped a girl once. She experienced many things because she broke a boy's heart. 

I still don't understand why people (in my head I said: men) can do such things.

It's simple logic, miss. Some people can handle disappointment. They want things and when they can't have the things they want, they do whatever it takes to get what they want.

I was given this ability by my parents eight years ago, miss, if you really want to know. If I wanted to use this to gain money and became rich, miss, I could. But I don't want to. We must live in moderation, miss.

People like you are rare, sir.

I know, miss, because people just don't know where to stop.

#np: Impossible Soul

I haven't been writing anything in a long time but suddenly I feel like writing to vent my despair. Nulis sesuatu yang bukan laporan, bukan e-mail balasan tentang sesuatu terkait laporan, dan bukan daftar pekerjaan yang harus diselesaikan hari ini yang juga ditutup dengan "laporan". A piece of writing without coherence, without having to worry what language to use to compose the sentences with, because perhaps that's how my mind have always been working--not bilingual, not even 'lingual', cuma kumpulan imaji, disorder, dan rasa takut untuk berhadapan dengan jawaban yang memunculkan dirinya sendiri dari balik tempat-tempat seperti 9th and Hennepin atau Kebun Raya Bogor. Ini pukul 00.42, di luar hujan, dan dari dulu sampai sekarang tidak ada ketakutan yang lebih melumpuhkanku selain kesadaran tentang waktu yang terus berjalan. Ini pukul 00.43, dan dari dulu sampai sekarang aku cuma kepingin tahu bagaimana cara jawab pertanyaan "when is now?" dan bagaimana rasanya berpikir tanpa kata-kata yang tiba-tiba muncul, yang dipinjam dari semua buku, lagu, atau percakapan yang sudah terjadi selama mungkin lima belas tahun terakhir (I can't seem to remember anything from the conversations I had before I was sixteen). Beruntung, di kursi yang kududuki saat ini kemarin siang kami berbicara tentang keberanian untuk menyongsong diri sendiri, yang tidak ajeg, dan karenanya mungkin kita tidak akan pernah tahu pasti bagaimana rasanya 'tahu pasti'. Yang pasti, tidak ada yang berubah sampai saat ini. Dunia masih tetap sama anehnya. Dalam satu hari yang sama kita bisa hidup dengan santai untuk mendengar suara bola yang bergulir sepersekian detik sebelum kita melihat bolanya betul-betul bergulir di atas rerumputan yang tampak dari jendela kamar, sekaligus hidup dengan rasa tegang karena, lho, tahu-tahu terbaca di kalender meja kerja bahwa sekarang sudah 7 Februari 2021.... Padahal, tegang kenapa, coba? Obat penenang paling mujarab pun nggak akan bisa menghentikan waktu yang berlari di pikiranmu. Guru spiritual yang paling spirituil juga bisa jungkir balik di hadapanmu sembari bilang bahwa nggak ada distingsi antara the observer and the observed kalau kamu bener-bener 'memperhatikan', tapi seberapapun absurdnya itu kalau betul-betul terjadi, kamu toh nggak bisa membuang sejarahmu sendiri. God, you have no idea. "Terrible am I, child?" katamu, bisa-bisanya terpikir untuk menitipkan pesan lewat suara Robin Pecknold. Kacau banget, jawabku sebal, karena itu pertanyaan yang cuma bikin tanda tanya jadi meta-sign yang sia-sia. You know that I hate: 1) rhetorical questions, and 2) when people start to speak to me about heaven and hell. But it's my fault, I know, because I have always let myself listen to too many shits. And I couldn't sleep at many nights afterwards, too anxious because I realized I have always lived in pretense. God, you are a freaking riot, d'you know that? We just want to believe, but you torture us with mediocrity, and there's nothing more ignoble than to believe in things merely because we're too desperate or too stupid. I hate you, but not as much as I hate myself.

Lay, Lady, Lay

Whatever colors you have in your mind 

I show them to you and you see them shine

august

you know what?

what?

it's a good day for poetry,

she said cheerfully

her feet dangling

wrapped in her usual dust-covered

red canvas flats

okay, i said,

shall we start with a theme

or just picking random words

out of thick air? 

(for the air is never thin in this city,

no,

it is heavy with carbon monoxide

and laden with bullshits)

how about a letter? she suggested

and i remember she told me once

about her mushroom-induced dream 

where letters danced

and came alive.

she said,

i'll start with h

i always like the letter h

it looks like a tiny chair

it's also pretty damn useful

useful how?

you can laugh and sigh with it

we always end our laughs

with sighs, and

for all i know nobody ever asked

any difference between the two.

how about you?

hmm,

i'll pick b.

why?

because i'd like to b.

she smiled

my turn, and I shall continue 

from you, o master,

i choose c

because i c what i c, 

and i don't c what i can't.

we can keep on doing this

with the rest of the alphabet.

and the world will end before we 

run out of all the letters 

that exist on this earth,

but 

do you ever wonder

why haven't we invented 

more letters yet?

do all the letters that we have now

really enough?

does it matter, i said,

do we really need more letters

just to recycle our

meaningless existence

over and over 

again?

Taking a leave in conscious mind

101 hari bekerja dari rumah dan dengan bergantinya rutinitas, disertai eksperimen dalam jumlah yang tidak terhitung dan monolog tidak ada hentinya dengan diri sendiri, saya jadi betulan sadar bahwa:

1) waktu adalah ilusi
2) sehelai kertas sama dengan sebongkah batu
3) there is no ego; there is only inattention
4) semua hal memang ternyata adalah puisi
5) you are your worst enemy

suatu hari nanti kita akan punya cara baru untuk menjelaskan perasaan kita tanpa menggunakan kata, gambar, warna, bentuk, atau suara yang sekarang ada. suatu hari nanti semuanya melebur jadi satu dan satu berarti jamak. when you are attentive, there is no truth of fact or truth of feeling. suatu hari nanti kita tidak lagi benci diri sendiri. we'll be able to leave it all behind.